Crime Library: Criminal Minds and Methods

Watch: Would-be burglar outwitted by door

A would-be burglar attempting to rob a bar in the Chicago’s Wicker Park area was thwarted by of all things the unlocked interior door. It seems he made a critical error: He kept trying to pull open the door — which was marked push. This could explain why most burglars break and enter, rather than just …entering.

UK man walks home drunk, finds this mysterious note in the morning

A guy who partied too hardy and walked home found this note on Herfordshire police stationery in his home the next day. It begins “We found you staggering in the road,” and is mysteriously signed, “Love from Cagney and Lacey.” He probably had no memory of the courtesy ride home he got from police.

Drunk driver’s pet parrot narks on him to cops

People teach their birds to say the darnedest things. Thanks to a man in Mexico, we now know that teaching your bird phrases like He’s drunk, He’s high or He’s packin’ might get you the unwanted attention of law enforcement, the media and even the occasional snarky blogger.

Nigerian man sues Close-up toothpaste for ‘mental suffering’

In what some may consider a lawsuit that’s been a long time coming, Anthony Olatunfe, 26, is suing Unilever Nigeria Limited for “mental suffering” caused by the constant rejection of women despite his scrupulous use of Close-Up toothpaste.

Mugshot of the day: Defiance

Jonathan Crenshaw was arrested in Dade County Florida on January 10, 2014, for pot possession, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. The arrest record does not specify what set Crenshaw off, but he seems much feistier in the following mugshot than he does here.

Couple’s dog blew up the house

English couple Kerry Leech and Mathew Heckler were out enjoying the day when they started getting texts that their house had exploded. According the firefighters, the couple’s youngest pet, Zeus, a six-month-old whippet cross, caused the explosion. Since they didn’t catch him in the act, it’s fair to say they will have to keep an eye on him.

You know you’re drunk when your blood-alcohol content stumps the machine

There are many answers to the question, “How do you know when you’re drunk?” They can range anywhere from “You fall off the floor,” to “You lose arguments with inanimate objects,” but “You stump the breathalyzer,” is new, and incidentally, sets a whole new standard.

Police use olive oil to rescue naked man from clothes washer

It was all fun and games this weekend in Australia, when a naked man, 20, decided to surprise his wife by hiding in the clothes washer and got stuck. She was no doubt very surprised, but even so, police advise against ever getting inside household appliances. Also there are now 1001 uses for olive oil.

Drug dealer begs for prison to escape nagging wife

We don’t know how long he held up, but the unnamed man decided he couldn’t bear being confined with his loving wife one moment longer.

Six reasons 2014 will be better than 2013

From global warming, to legalized marijuana to eating your own placenta, we here at Crime Library look back at the old year and ahead to the new, which promises to be bolder, brighter, and of course, much, much better.