Crime Library: Criminal Minds and Methods

Crime Library’s Top New Year’s Resolutions for 2013

This year will be different, right? It seems like every new year begins full of hope, promises and plans, but by Easter, you’re back to your old habits. Well, if inspirational posters, calorie charts and support groups aren’t helping you stick to your plan, maybe these horror stories will.

1. Drink Less Alcohol…

Carolyn Dukeshire aka 'Sea Hag.' Police photo.

…lest you wind up like the Florida Keys woman known to locals as the “Sea Hag.” You see, the former crab trapper wanted a beer so bad that she was allegedly willing to kill a man for it.  According to the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office,  Carolyn Dukeshire, 62, approached lobster fisherman Martin Mazur, 64, who was sitting in his backyard tiki bar Sunday evening. He had just cracked open a beer, and when Dukeshire asked him to give her one, he refused. At this point, police say, Dukeshire fired a shot with a handgun, killing Mazur. More.

2. Eat Healthier

Avoiding fast food is good for your body, but it may also be good for your mental health. If 14-year-old Ryan Hart had eaten a nice salad at home instead of going to Arby’s, he wouldn’t have had to experience the trauma of biting into a piece of human finger in his sandwich. “I was like, ‘that gots to be a finger,’” he told the Jackson Citizen Patriot. “I was about to puke… It was just nasty.” More. 

3. Get a Better Job

Meth crystals. Photo: Wikipedia.

This may be a popular resolution among Walmart employees, who’ve had to deal with an astonishing array of nonsense at their stores this year. In 2012 alone, Walmarts across america have been home to arrests for crimes including the giving away of rabid kittens, sex in the aisles, pooping while stealing, and of course, lots and lots of meth production. More.

4. Quit Smoking

Like the Sea Hag’s alcoholism, a severe addiction to cigarettes may drive you to kill. In May, Jacksonville woman Yolanda Stills allegedly stabbed her fiance to death because he wouldn’t give her a smoke. According to police, “She wanted a cigarette from him, and evidently he wouldn’t give her one, so she went and retrieved a 10-inch butcher knife and stabbed him.” More.

5.  Think Before You Act

Many crimes begin as rash decisions. So, before you barge into a middle school gym class and demand beer, or send your ex-boss pictures of yourself holding a gun, or blow up a port-a-potty, or spank a stranger, or steal a priceless bust of Ben Franklin, ask yourself, is this going to end well? More.

6. Be Nicer to Others

Charles Zigler

Charles Zigler, the dead roommate.

Besides not planning things out, another big lead-up to crime is being a big old jerk. So if you come to your dad’s house and there’s nothing to eat, offer to pick up takeout instead of headbutting him in the defibrillator. Or, if you’re a cop and you see a toddler peeing in his own front yard, try reflecting back on the carelessness of childhood instead of writing his mom a $2,500 ticket. Small actions go a long way. More.

7. Don’t Live With Dead People

You laugh, but this happens a lot. Take for example the case of Michigan woman Linda Chase. One day, her roommate just “went to sleep” and stayed asleep for 19 months, until police found his decomposed body wrapped in blankets on a recliner. Chase’s explanation? She didn’t want to be alone. More.

Crime Library’s Top New Year’s Resolutions for 2012



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